Where do our dreams go when not realized? Why can I feel them as the parts of me that are dying? What have I done with the life that I was given? Sometimes I feel as though I’ve been doing nothing but dying since the day I was born. I know that we all are doing just that. Each new day is a day closer to our inevitable death. My fear is for that day to come before I feel I really ever lived the way I had always dreamed of. That’s where I am right now. Is that what keeps us all alive? The fear of dying before we experienced everything life has to offer us. And at the same time isn’t that something impossible to accomplish. I mean there are new experiences happening everyday that weren’t there the day before. Now let me make something clear so I am not giving anyone the wrong idea here. I Do Not Want To Die! I only say this because I can tell that the people in my life that I share my writings with feel worried about my thoughts on life. They take my writings sometimes as some kind of cry for help. And they are a cry but not a cry for help. It is a cry to open your eyes! To look at how precious of a gift our life’s all our. I am sure you know that I am an extremely emotional and highly sensitive person. This should not be new news to anyone that this comes from someone who has been called sensitive for his entire life. So that should already be a given. All I am trying to say here is that there is more to life than just this. And by this I mean the life that we all live. Like working jobs we do not want or particularly like just in-order to be able to survive or live any kind of normal life. I hate when I hear someone say, “but I have to have a job”. Really! We have to have a job? That is something that we have to have? I think you may mean that a job is something you want to have. And I know that this was how we all were raised to believe. But have you ever thought that the only reason we need jobs is so that we can try to accumulate a whole bunch of shit that you don’t really need or that you even want. What would happen if every one of us here and now decided that they were content with everything they already had in order to live or survive. I don’t think any of us, myself included can conceive how big of an effect we would cause. In a positive way. I am talking about what I think would be refered to as stopping the wheel. Stop feeding the machine. There is so many positives that could be accomplished by this if we can find the way to overcome our fear of the unknown. We are too afraid to try things another way. I think we all think that without jobs that we would all lose any sense of motivation. I believe the opposite would be the case though so let me try to explain why real quick here. See, I believe that once we’ve had the chance to see what we already have, that we would than be able to see what it is that we actually want. Decide what material things we have that serves us in some way and what we don’t need. Decide what it is that makes us curious in life that we’d want to pursue. I am talking about being able to recognize what your calling in life is. Your purpose! We all have one and each one is going to be different in some way. Ranging from those who want to learn to be brain surgeons to those who like rebuilding calculators or from learning how to build things through engineering to being able to stay at home to raise your family. It’s already built into our human nature to want to be innovative. We have that in us naturally. We aspire to always be better. To become better at what we like to do. We like to try to make everything we have better than it once was. It is in our nature to want to be moving in a direction that moves us forward. It’s part of how we are that’s deep in our competitive nature. Competition is healthy and it is good. Problem is nowadays is that we have nothing really healthy to be competitive about once we grow-up. So we compete over who does what for a living and who can afford to buy this and who it is that has that. That is not competition! That is called greed. Yes, I’ll say it again. We are motivated by not much more than greed. We all want to feel we are a little better than the rest. That is our competitive nature. The desire to prove ourselves, to test ourselves, to push ourselves. A way to measure our abilities and learn ways to improve our abilities at the same time.
Are we being tested as we live our life’s as I once thought when I was a child. I had a profound fear of God when I was young that weighed on my conscience with every action or move I made. I was always asking or seeking His approval with everything I would do. I can’t tell you that every kid thinks about that as they grow from the child they once were to the adult they will become. Worry about the effects of what they are doing now and how that will ripple with them into their life as they grow older. Do we all truly continue to become what it is that we always think about? Is it all really that easy and unlimiting but also almost impossible to logically conceive because we always try automatically limiting ourselves by adding our very own limiting thoughts. But anyways back on track, I was talking how I wonder sometimes if we are being tested at certain times of our life. Or if life in itself one large test. Something you may pass when you reach that end of the road of life, or fail and have to go back to live it again until we can learn the lessons we needed to learn. Is that the journey that our souls take on their quest for perfecting itself into harmony with all the other souls that have made it through all the test and challenges we must face during our soul’s lifetime? Now if this is something that makes you nervous, I have felt the same for my entire life. But not at this present moment and it is a way of living that I have never been use to. It may even sound a little crazy to some to hear someone say that they are not afraid of dying. It will make people think that you have some kind of death wish or that you may be depressed and possibly suicidal. It’s just one of those things I’ve noticed that no one is willing to want to talk about. And a lot of the times I’m even told, “what is wrong with you?” Well, would you really like an answer to this question? Because I have no problem answering it for you during those times but in doing so I can promise you that you will not like the way my answer is going to make you feel. Here let me try to tell you what is wrong with me so in return you may be able to see what I feel may be wrong with you. You think there is something wrong with me because you see me as different. I think a little differently or you may say I don’t think the same as everyone else. Is this what’s wrong? Because I think my own thoughts and don’t want to think the same thoughts of someone else. If thinking for myself is wrong, than I am guilty. Is it because I don’t want to spend my life doing or behaving exactly the same as everyone else is? Simply because I refuse to allow myself to be another one of the flock which makes me stand out. I am still one of you even if I may be a black sheep! Anyways maybe you see what I’m trying to say or maybe you do not. I don’t know, but it is sure a lonely life when you have always been a black sheep who wants more than anything to be able to blend in with everyone else.
I’d like to try to end my thoughts here for now with the message that we are all really connected together. But something in our life’s today is starting to make us all lose that connection. We live in a time in the world where we have more options and abilities to connect with each other. We need to make these connections be genuine and real. A deeper connection is needed in the world now over what seems more like a superficial connection. We need people who are real and who speak their mind and concerns. We need people who ask us the question, “how are you doing today'” because they genuinely care and want to know. And we need to learn how to respond honestly when we are asked the same instead of our quick programmed answers of, “I’m fine, how are you?” This would be a start in the right direction. Try it if you please. You will be surprised if you do this sometimes. Next time you are paying for something at a store and you ask the person who rings you up how they are doing. After they tell you the same response that they say a hundred times a day, make eye contact with them and say again, “no seriously, how are you really doing?” Little things like this can have a huge impact on another persons’ day or even their life. It could be the only thing that gives that person a feeling of connection in their life on that day. So, slow down and look around for a while. Stop being in such a hurry in life cause believe me, none of us want to reach the finish line.
© 2018 Rocco Joseph https://rockinthefreeword.com