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“I’ve Learned Through Bad Days How To Really Live When Days Are Good”|Old Journal Entrees Of A Manic-Depressive

Wednesday Night 10:00 P.M.

Still Trying To Be A Better Man

I wish I could be a better man than I am. Does anyone else slightly understand what I’m saying. I don’t like the one I put myself in. Can anyone suggest a place I can get a new brain? The one I’ve been living with is literally “driving me insane!” I don’t want to be this person that I am. I swear to God, I’d kill myself off if ever I’m given a chance. I just want to come back to find the me I understand again. But I understand. I understand that life doesn’t work like that. I have a mental disorder not a diagnosis for making me dumb. Just so you know, I know that I frighten you, my friends and family. I understand and that’s okay. I know this because it even scares the shit out of me too. Please you don’t have to tell me to “get out of my head” or quite simply to “stop thinking like that”. Here’s what I need you to try to understand: I know all these things! I am totally aware of what can help me. Here is the part that’s the “killer” if I may-the way I think is already fucked up! I am constantly trapped between two extremes of thought. No balance. No middle ground. What I am trying to make you, “my family”, understand is that I can not trust myself. Why? Because I just told you, I can not trust the way that I think! It is not fun knowing this. Knowing that there is going to be a lot of times when I don’t know if I am doing what is right or not. I just want you to be aware of that so you can find ways to help guide me back in trackIs that too much to ask? Time will tell...

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